I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
