Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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