Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
