sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Don't tell me you're on acid again
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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