My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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