Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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