the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
