Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
