I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
