If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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