Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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