I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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