Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
