Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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