i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I could fuck to npr.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
