How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
