when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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