someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
