What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
