I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
