if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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