dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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