Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
are you so shy because you have an std?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
