hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
