we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
