At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
