God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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