I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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