Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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