I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
