when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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