She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
