you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
