goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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