Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
