why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
