There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
