what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
