Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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