Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
