when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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