i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
