I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
