dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
