You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
