I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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