I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
