Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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