Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
