It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
