My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
