he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
